Mi día sin ti.
Today I heard that a man died and that a bank was robbed. Today the president of Playa increased the restrictions even more. Today I don't know if I should go out or stay "home". My home is a mess. Today I heard that two friends gave up and they're leaving this city. I didn't do the dishes today and it was hard for me to eat. I looked at my screen more than a hundred times today, with the hope to hear from you. I didn't hear from you today. I only had the echos of a drunk argument, of a intoxicated soul that instead of spreading love spreaded fears in every single word. Today was hard to breathe, I felt my chest contracted. I forced myself to see a friend but at the minute she came in I honestly just wanted to be in bed cuddling with my own sadness and my own self disappointment. Right now must be your seven, the sun must be still up. It's hard to not know from you, its hard to cross all the fears in my mind, its hard to understand your silence. Its hard to understand my noise. Today all I have is the words Im writing, the feeling of failure, failure to me, failure to you.
Today I carried the heavy feeling of knowing how much I take for granted, how I took you for granted. Today I see your path, I admire your path, I admire your mind, your wisdom. I applaud your strength, your vision. I miss your voice, I miss your hey baby. I miss feeling I can reach out to you. I miss asking you about your day. I can't take a plane today, and as far as I drove today I couldn't reach you. I couldn'tq find you today, all I have is an empty screen, all I have is the inner battle between love and fear, all I have is the awareness of my unawareness, the repeated patterns, the promised land of my self work. Today I ask for a miracle again. And more than a miracle I ask to my higher self to wake up. To stop losing what I love the most. Today I want to be a better woman. For me, for you for humanity. Today one "Im sorry" is not enough. The level of the pain I feel for your absence tells me the level of my ignorance about how to treat you well, about how to talk with my heart. I've always thought I was a good human being, today I only see my shadows. I see the impact of my words. I miss your sweetness, I miss your young soul that makes a good contrast with my old soul. Your voice always refreshes my day. Your voice is sometimes what keeps me sane in this reality. That voice, that have walked with me in this two years.
TodayI thought about all the things I would love to do with you. I also thought about how I want myself to be with you.
Mi día sin ti.
Solo me queda la esperanza, de que este es uno más de los obstáculos. Tengo un saco lleno de "lo siento" por entregarte, tengo una promesa en silencio de querer darte lo mejor, de llenar tus días de amor, de comprenderte mas, de confiar mas, aveces siento que amar es como estar en un abismo. Es entregar a ciegas, es recordarme cada día que me eliges, que te elijo, que nos elegimos. No te miento, tengo mucho miedo de perderte. Tengo miedo de perderme, y en momentos, en bocanadas puedo ver mi potencial, puedo ver que puedo soltar todo el bagaje y entregarme al misterio del amor, el misterio del amor con vos. Nos puedo ver de mil edades juntas, nos puedo ver conversando hasta el último suspiro, llenas de sabiduría llenas de experiencias de vida.
Pero hoy me resulta un tanto triste, hoy las teclas se llenan de agua que brota de mis ojos, hoy me siento doblegada, abandonada por mis propias creaciones, hoy no quiero que sea ni mañana ni ayer, ni ningún día donde tu no estás. La casa me grita recuerdos, la primera cena, la primera vez que nos besamos, como me cargaste, la primera mañana que despertamos juntas, la sensación de casa ese día comenzó, la sensación que me dijo tan claro que quería despertar cada uno de mis días a tu lado.
Hoy veo mis fallas tan claro. Hoy mi propio fuego me quemó, me dejó heridas. This is my creation. Why am I pushing you away?! Lo que daría por saber de ti. Lo que daría por cambiar el ayer, lo que daría por regresar a cada momento de nuestra historia donde siempre te vi pero no te lo dije, lo que daría por sanar cada segundo donde no te recordé lo mucho que te amo, lo mucho que has simbolizado en mi vida, algo que jamás desaparecerá. Not in thousand light years. Extraño tu presencia demasiado. Veo a lo lejos nuestras risas, nuestro depth, nuestra versatilidad que me encanta, perdóname amor por dudar, perdona mis pasos vacilantes, perdona mi arrogancia, perdona mi forma de hablar, lo que daría por un abrazo tuyo, lo que daría por dormir contigo para luego voltearme por calor pero saber, saber que estás ahi, saber que el día siguiente estarás ahi y enfrentaremos al mundo, perdona que me tomó tiempo entender, que siempre estuvo ahi, el amor.
